Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
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ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
No laws when master is gone