owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
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I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.