I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
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My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
“How’s your day going?”
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.