“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
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2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
“What movie?” 🤔
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?