Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
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anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
“OMGJK” -atheists
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.