We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
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A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?