The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
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TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?