Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
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A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]