[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
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Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity