It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
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Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…