[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
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No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.