Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
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My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.