“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
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Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.