My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
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It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth