[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
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How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Strangers have the best candy.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Only short people can save us
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”