Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
You Might Also Like
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I’d love this…lol
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”