Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Best seat on the street 😍
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.