when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
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I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
lost dog
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Worst bar ever.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl