Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
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Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I WON A HAM TODAY
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.