*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
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*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
real
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]