It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
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When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Meme Monday.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.