Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
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Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk