Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
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interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Feel. He’s so soft.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.