*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
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Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured