me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
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[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.