Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Best mom ever 😂
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures