If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
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I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
You sure about that?
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me: