Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
You Might Also Like
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?