The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
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No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.