Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
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I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
How actors in movies eat their food
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.