God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
You Might Also Like
stop
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I only eat vegetarians.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.