Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
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Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
consequences, the bane of my existence
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
lmfao come on
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?