The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
You Might Also Like
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand