The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
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Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…