5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
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Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again