*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
You Might Also Like
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
He took my last fry, your honor
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys