Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
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*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
The fall of Netflix
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Put a ring on it
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids