It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
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{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one