Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
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Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”