HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
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My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price