Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
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Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
me opening up to someone
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.