I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
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That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
This could’ve been an email.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.