And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
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Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!