#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
You Might Also Like
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Hey i am sexy to you now