My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
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Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
This story is comedy gold 😂
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”