Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
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You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.