I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
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Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.