My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
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If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Guys, I found it.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.