I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
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Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
what?
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.