“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
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waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?